Can a Gospel Christian Be Blue?

I was raised in the South.  I’ve lived in Mississippi, the suburbs of Memphis, Texas and Arkansas.

I’ve seen racism first hand.  I’ve seen fear of someone that didn’t look like “White America” first hand.  I’ve seen it all.  I was born in the late sixties….well after the Civil Rights marches…and still…I’ve seen it all. We live in a United States of America where not a single person over the age of 18 should have to “research” a white supremacist group.  We should all be so against the ideology of those groups that we jump to condemn  it.  America, we don’t want to go back to the days of segregation or people singled out due to the color of their skin or religion.  That’s not America.

I’ve seen poverty up close. I’ve seen homeless veterans on the street.  I’ve seen homeless single moms on the street. I’ve been able to see up close those who live in nothing more than a strong cardboard box with a door.  I’ve been a child of poverty and technical homelessness.

I’ve been part of the “poor school.” I’ve been part of the “rich school.”  I’ve been part of heated battles as districts have redrawn lines for attendance, and those arguments almost always are rooted in who parents wanted Joe and Mary to attend school with.  In 2016, we do not have equitable education in America.  I certainly don’t know the solution, but I do know it’s real.

I’ve been a child with no medical insurance.  I’ve been an adult subject to pre-existing clauses…a clause that can jeopardize the life of any American with a pre-existing disease.  Change jobs, no insurance coverage for 6-12 months on that condition.  I can’t agree to go back to that.  A mandate with issues also has some areas that protect our sick, our children, our college children.

I have never lived in a nation where the media was controlled or censored. I heard the threat of that being the case from the leader of the Red. I went back to eight grade Civics where I learned “to silence the media is the first step in silencing us all. ”

I remember the days we said the Pledge of Allegiance in schools.  The days where it seemed all was well in the United States.  We can’t go back.  Frankly, I don’t want to.  I am thrilled to know that we truly are the melting pot of the world.  Whether I like or agree with some of what we have now is irrelevant.  Give us your tired, your weary…..not give us your Baptist, or Methodist or whites.  Unless  you are Native American in heritage, you are a product of immigration.  I’m a product of immigration.  A mut.  I’m not purebred anything.  I’m a mixture of this and that, just like most Americans.

I am a Gospel Christian.  A Southern Baptist by denomination.  I am not like the WBC radicals.  I have to trust that if I can be free to practice my faith and not be associated with the radicals of the WBC, that others who practice a different religion are to be free to do so as well.  I cannot fear what I do not understand.  I cannot judge an entire group of people due to the acts of a radical few.  I would hope the same is said for not judging my faith due to the radical few within the ranks.

I’ve have a vivid memory of the Carter years, the Reagan years, the Clinton years, the Bush 1 and 2 years and now, the Obama years.  I’ve seen our country rise up in times of great trials….and I’ve also seen our country split into little pieces over a determination to “get their way.”  The word compromise has become a four letter word.

I’ve been personally chastised for even possibly considering not voting Republican.  That’s what good Christians do.  Vote Republican.

And. Here I sit today.  In disbelief that what I have been told is the “Christian” party has all but crowned a man that represents none of the values I hold to be true as a Christian.  Seeing remarks such as, “Well, I can’t stand any of his principles, but I’ll vote for him if he is the nominee…I’ll vote my party.”  “We have to take back America.”  From who? From what?  From people that don’t have white skin?  Jesus didn’t have white skin.

I sit here today in disbelief that I’ve seen a quote, “I voted Trump, but I won’t tell my kids.”  I hope there never comes a day that I am embarrassed by who I voted for.

I get people are angry.  It’s ok to be angry, but to vote with that anger.  No.  We have to vote with our values and our principles…or we become just as lost as the lost.  We can’t control who follows us, but if we look around and we are being followed by hate…what does that say about “us” or “I?”  What message are we sending?

So, can a Christian vote blue?  This year, barring a strong third party candidate, I believe it’s possibly the only way I can look into the mirror and have any hope of saying I voted for at least some Christian values and principles. Where “almost right” may have to be enough. The lesser of two evils, so to speak. This past weekend, HRC sounded more Christian than most of the candidates running Red and ten-thousand times more Christian than the Red leader.  I have to vote knowing the protection of the First Amendment is just as important as protecting the Second Amendment.  A silent America is far more devastating to our future generations than gun control.

Years ago there was a movement of WWJD.  WWJD? I can’t begin to know, but I know what he commanded of His followers…..love, spread the good news to the ends of the earth…but the greatest of these commandments was to love.  And that, is what I will do.  I choose love over hate. I choose love over fear.  I choose humanity.  I choose life, not just birth…all of it.

 

 

Not Twenty Anymore…..

First, it’s official. I do have a heart!  (This is a joke between Lee and I, due mostly to my complete lack of a romantic heart.)  Again, though, I have a heart. I saw nuclear images of it!

A Heart

A Heart

Now, on to the blog…..I am not twenty anymore and if the current list of doctor appointments isn’t enough to remind me of that, a nuclear stress test was a well-played “gotcha” by those above wishing to remind me of said fact.  (We will leave out the new aches that seem to pop up daily now.)

“Stress Test” sounds simple enough.  No caffeine or chocolate for twenty-four hours and NPO after midnight the night before test…easy.  No other prep required.  No barium to drink, no cleansing process to deal with….piece of cake.  That should have been my first clue-the thought of “piece of cake.”  I’m that patient who can and does experience every side effect ever documented…..toss in what a lifetime of surgery does to your veins…and voila…..here comes my day.

My day began at check-in around 8:30.  I was soon taken to the back to start the IV that would be used to administer the drugs for the day. I was very forthcoming about my fear of IV’s and the scarring in my veins.  I strongly suggested ordering a local to help the process.  Thirty minutes later after an unsuccessful attempt to thread the IV and several tears down my face due to pain,  we stopped the process.  The person placing the IV did a great job-she was in on the first stick….it was me and my scarred veins that presented the issue.  Fast forward to the Cardiology RN being called in and finally the light-bulb going off that “we need a local if this is going to happen today”.  Call made to doctor for order, wait for it to come up to the office, and five minutes later-IV in.  (I cannot express in words the pain that is felt as an IV is thread past scar tissue.  Get a local.  Give a local.) Next she administered radioactive contrast and I began the one hour wait until first set of pictures (resting pictures).  At this point I was able to enjoy some water and wonderful crackers.

Finally!

Finally!

Resting pictures are then taken of your heart while laying on your back (very still) for about fifteen minutes.  Enjoy the little nap.  From there, in my case, it was on to the exercise room where I was given a lovely injection of Lexiscan.  (This was a chemically induced stress test.)  Before the injection, vitals were taken and I was told of the “possible” side effects.  Outside of the sudden cardiac event, I was able to enjoy every single one. (Sarcasm) Imagine running a mountain at full speed, realizing you need to stop for a break and somehow your legs don’t listen and you keep going…..that’s what Lexiscan does.  If that is anything close to what a heart attack feels like, I do not ever want one.  The shortness of breath, the pounding of your heart, the pain in your stomach, the leg cramps, the nausea (yes, I got a blue bag to hold), the room getting so incredibly hot….and then comes the headache.  Not a fan.  The bulk of the “stress” lasts about three minutes.  I felt pretty wiped out the rest of the day and it took a good while for the headache and stomach pain to fully leave.  Again, not a fan.

From there, you are monitored until your vitals return to normal and then you are given some caffeine to drink (and the Angels in Heaven rejoiced) and sent back to wait for about an hour.  At that time, another set of images is taken showing the “stressed heart.”

All said, from start to finish, it’s about a 3 1/2 hour process.

To quote my doctor today-“They let you leave the hospital, so there must not have been anything major seen.”  So, with that reassuring statement, the wait begins for the official report to be compiled by the cardiologist and sent over to my ordering MD.

There’s a strong family history of heart disease in my family tree, so there is a small part of me that does carry some concern, but I am thankful that this test is done and over and we will soon have a pretty good idea of the condition of my heart.  After so many surgeries for RRP, my heart health has been something of conversation before now.  What toll has my heart taken due to surgery?  What toll has a lifetime of strained breathing placed on my heart?  Now, we will have that snapshot.

I’m not a fan of Lexiscan and I hope to never meet her again.  She was not very nice to me!  I am a huge fan of Northwest and I am more than confident in the level of care we have with the Cardiology group there.  It’s nice knowing if something was to be wrong, I don’t have to travel to get a high level of care.

So, that’s my Nuclear Stress Test review and the announcement of the fact that I DO have a heart!!!  Now that heart may never be one that wants candles and flowers and all that romance stuff…but it’s there and it is beating!

(PS-how does one follow up a test to show the health of your heart?  Why with Freddy’s for dinner, of course.)

The Empty Chair at the Table…..

The past few days have been just overwhelming for various reasons, but the reality of the quickly approaching one year anniversary date of my Mother’s death has made my feet so heavy.  Each day has been full of flashbacks to that exact moment a year ago….taking my breath away at times.  Yesterday was unbelievably difficult as we celebrated our Ella’s first birthday.  It was as if I was back at the Circle of Life hospice house sitting on the couch as the texts began to come in from my daughter that it was almost time.  Leaving to go meet Ella and then coming back to show pictures to her great-grandparents and seeing, for a moment, that pure joy on my Mother’s face.  Seeing the sadness as reality crept back in and reminded her she would never know this precious little girl….or see her other greats….her days were numbered.  She knew….for some crazy reason looking back, it just didn’t click-not like you think it would anyways.

She had been sick for longer than we knew, with a pass off to this doctor/that doctor and when it became too hard for her to carry, finally an admittance and tests.  July 4, 2013.  Sitting in the ER with her as we waited to see what the plan was to figure out why the pain was so great, why she would fall ill when she ate, why she was losing so much weight……laughing, joking, making fun of my Dad as he was his usual self-looking for coffee or sweets….not for a moment thinking she would not leave well, but leave under the care of hospice almost two months later.

The days spent traveling back and forth to the hospital. A trip to Little Rock and back via ambulance.  Tests, NPO, TPN, on and on…..to finally learn there was nothing that could be done.  I still struggle with that word “nothing” even to this day.  My head gets the health condition of a patient can sometimes prevent curative/treatment measures, but to actually see that take place…that word “nothing” is more than our human brains can process.

So, these days are spent remembering.  Remembering that yesterday as a life entered this world a year ago, another one was wondering how many more she had.  Going to lunch at her favorite lunch spot and remembering just how fun those times were….only wish I had truly grasped that joy while she was here so that I could have told her.  Walking by her favorite store at the mall and going in…just to see what she might have purchased if she was here today.  The biggest thing is that empty chair whenever we eat and it’s a time she would have been there.  The silence she would always fill with countless tales or commentary.  (The thing that drove me crazy is the very thing I miss the most!)

She has her garden now....

She has her garden now….

I know she is having the greatest time in Heaven right now and would never want to come back…and I would not want that for her either.  I saw the pain on her face far too many times to ever want that for her again……I do wish I had made notes, something to remember more of those last days.  This blog, in an odd way, will be my “notebook” as I remember her and tell the story over the next few days….

One thing I do know is this: in my moment by moment flood of memories….no matter the relationship you have with your Mother, when she is gone, there is a hole that doesn’t close-that piece is always missing.  You move forward, one foot in front of the other…but the hole remains.

She loved Psalm 23 and I am confident God gave her the most beautiful garden to tend….something she loved and her health would not allow her to do for her last several years….when I see a yellow rose I wonder if it was the one she tended.

Walking towards October 10th…….

K