Masks

This has been a season of sitting….and as I take two stops forward, three steps back on most days, the word “mask” keeps coming to my mind….

Webster’s Dictionary has this as a definition of “mask”: something that serves to conceal or disguise.

My time in the trial taught me lessons that I still don’t know how to put into words, but more importantly, my complete and utter disappointment in my outcome…well…it revealed my “mask.”  In some ways, the “mask” was already showing several cracks and thin spots, but it wasn’t until I was faced with something I could not process, that I was forced to take it off just to breathe.

Today’s ramblings, are about my mask…what it was hiding (some of which I haven’t even realized yet) and about the masks we all wear…for different reasons….bear with me, as I am confident we will go to Lucy’s house and back a few times….taking various detours.  Those “squirrel” moments.

I’ve been trying to remember when the mask went on…..did it go on for my disease, did it go on for things I experienced growing up, did it go on as a young Christian, did it go on as an older Christian…..were/are there multiple masks that I’ve used over the years?  Why does one feel it necessary to wear a mask?  Is authenticity something we all “say” we want one another to do, but in reality we don’t?  Are masks to protect ourselves, those around us, or to hide those human insecurities and imperfections that we worry will cause those around us to leave or think differently of us?  Maybe, they are all of the above.

The earliest I can remember possibly using a mask, had to be as a teenager.  I was awkward, acutely aware of what I perceived to be a status of “less than,” craving to belong, wanting to be normal, like my sister(s).  Like most teens, I learned to pretend…a lot.  That age where I would guess, most “first masks” are used. I became who I thought others wanted me to be…in the process losing who i was and missing out on the journey I was meant to be on….I used that mask to take a “forced road.” Like most actors, over time, the longer you play the part, the harder it is to remove the mask.  So, at some point, that mask was stuck on-stupid decisions allowed to be made by that mask I let control me.

I see my next mask mirrored in so many social media posts on Facebook.  The mask of the “perfect mom.”  Can we just get a national amendment passed to simply say, “Moms, your job is tough.  Some days, it will stink worse than a dead skunk.  Some days, you will want to run, as fast as a sprinter. to get away from all of it.  There will be nights you watch the clock tick minutes away…as you await bedtime.  There will be days  you wonder how much therapy your child will need as an adult due to the damage, you are certain, you are inflicting on them as you count your failures for the day.  But, Mom, take off the mask…be real.  There are no perfect birthday parties, no perfect methods, no perfect Sunday mornings as you shout for anyone to just be dressed..just one of you…and there are no trophies at the end of the day for the “Miss Mom Who Faked It The Best Today.”  The only trophy you will ever get is that kiss on the cheek…or that “I Love You” when you least expect it from the child you were certain was demon possessed just an hour ago.”

Can I get an “Amen” on that amendment.  I scroll down my feed and I see the masks.  I can even look back at my own during that season.  I was scared.  I was uncertain.  I was winging it most days.  I failed more times than I can count….and I’m certain God shook His head at me most days in that, “Hmm….maybe Kim wasn’t the best idea for this experiment.”  The mask hid all of that from the outside world….as far as anyone wanted to know….I was a pro.  (My kiddos will tell you loudly…I was not.)  One big hot mess.  Somehow, well, I know how…simply by God’s grace did I not drop one, oh wait…I did that…oops…sorry Meg….ok…somehow, by God’s grace that I did not forget to pick one up after school…oops, I did that too…sorry Josh…naps.  See…my mask to appear all together was hiding nothing more than a mom dancing on hot coals just trying to get to the other side most days.  Getting kiddos from birth to high school graduation….it’s hard.  I wish someone had pulled me aside during that season and ripped my mask off….but I think we were probably all wearing a mask of some sort….had social media been a thing back then..would Moms today have a record to look back on that was real, or would they see the same masks they try to wear today?  That mask that made you believe that if your kiddo wasn’t the smartest, or the nicest, or in a certain class…you were a failure-oh my goodness if they happen to bite a kiddo at school…..how could you be such a terrible parent? Satan loves to dance on Mom’s…..loves to make that mask feel like a weight on our shoulders.  I was a willing participant…I let him hold it on….and I type today wondering how many around me were doing the same thing.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Then came the mask of “College Mom.”  Who knew that such a thing even existed?  Let me say this, and hear me loudly…..letting your kiddos go off to college, even if just down the road, is the hardest thing for a Mom to do that relates to the raising of her kiddo.  You pray that seeds are planted…but at the end of the day, it’s mask on time…because you must appear to have it together in this season.  With announcement, you tell the world that your kiddo is off to college…social media is a thing now.  There is no “empty nester” support group….and there’s no time to even appear less than stoic.  Your mask must present the impression that you have prepared your child for this moment in time….they will be successful…they will make perfect choices…and you will wear their success like a well earned medal.  I’m here to tell you..this mask lies.  Kiddos aren’t perfect.  Sometimes, plans made by them and the family don’t go as expected.  This mask tells you that you failed.  You somehow did something wrong along the way that gave way to outcome A or B or C.  This is the mask that I have wanted to burn a thousand times over.  What good are any of the struggles as a Mom through this season, if we hide them from the other Moms who could so desperately use simply that sign of, “me too.”  The job of Mom doesn’t end the day they leave for college, and our mask shouldn’t be one that presents this perfect facade to the outside world.  Our pain in this season of the empty bedroom…it should be shared. When something goes not as planned, we shouldn’t have these masks on that prevent others Mom’s from realizing, “me too.”  Yet…we do..we wear those masks…and I wore mine proudly.  Like every mask before it, it was the lies Satan had me believing about myself…and about where I was in life.

As I journey, seeing that all along, there were two masks carried that never went away, never got put away.  The mask of my illness and what I showed to the world….and the mask of my faith and what that was to me-not the one I knew needed to be presented. As I open this jar, one common theme is in every single mask-the lies that Satan told me….the lies that I let myself believe as truth.  I wanted to get that out there before I talked about the two heaviest masks of all….

The mask I wore from age five….still wear in many ways today…the mask of an illness..the mask of a voice I didn’t ask for, surgeries that I have grown so weary from…the mask of regret and anger towards that illness…the mask of grief that this illness brings on so many days….the mask that wants to have me sit and doubt that I am prepared for this….that somehow, in a way that I will likely never understand…this illness will be used.  The mask that told me it wasn’t ok to be angry or question God about all of it.  That doing so, somehow made me not have faith. (Goodness, Christ called out to God on the cross!!!) That to just sit and let God know I was tired of all of it, was somehow a reflection on my Christianity.  Oh, this mask is heavy….and I like to think I’ve taken it off, but it’s still there….I’ve just decided to take some of its power away.  The mask of my illness has robbed me of plans that I had made for myself, but it hasn’t robbed me of who I am.  I’m taking that power away from my mask.  In some ways, this mask has become like Jim Carrey’s character in “The Mask.”   With the mask of my illness on, I can pretend the life behind it doesn’t exist.  I can be that person who seems to be handing it with grace.  The crushing defeat of this past month has made that pretending too great of a weight to carry…the mask of my illness has to become lighter if I am to move forward and not get stuck in my sitting. So, while I know the mask is still on, I am taking control of the power it has, but recognizing that times will come where I have to stop and sit in it. Those days, where in order to move forward, I will wear the mask…but now with a knowledge of what I’ve let it control…and my freedom in deciding if it gets that power on any given day, any given moment.

And that leads me to the mask that I am working to take off that reveals who I am as a Christian…what I believe….what I have found to be man-made….the mask that weighs so heavily somedays…that I wonder if I’ll ever have it fully removed.  I have exposed some of this mask prior to today via a few other blog posts….a mask that was/is so powerful, it shaped much of what I thought was true for so long…..truths I am working through at this season….breaking apart what is true, what isn’t true, what’s Biblical, what’s not.  Realizing how that mask, that mask that had me believing certain actions where required in order to be “a good Christian”…that I used that in decisions that caused hurt….to myself…to others around me.  And that, my friend, is authenticity.  I allowed my faith, the mask of it, to be so legalistic when it suited me…that it caused pain, hurt.  God ripped me from the pit of where this mask had taken me.  Today, I can say that mask is cracked…pieces of it missing….but the journey of trying to remove this mask has been hard.  It’s easier to just sit where you are, than to be plucked from the comfort of your little mask and forced to take a jackhammer to that mask to find what’s on the other side.

I don’t write this today for pity or any of those human desires….I write to share my masks…and where I am in the journey of the masks that I know about….so that maybe someone out there will maybe just be, “Me Too.”

There will be more on all of this….but just exposing this much has made my head feel lighter….bringing those masks out of the darkness into the light…..

Unknown

Jesus, Labels, and Evaluation

Anyone else feel as if they  have been put into a washing machine on high spin for eighteen months and suddenly the machine has been turned off?

I’ve started this blog entry literally more times than I can count.  I’ve gone to this place in prior blogs, but I seem to be further along now….and still facing just as many questions.  Folks, this election has made me weary.  Just flat out exhausted.  So many emotions, over so many months….taking this broken girl and her heart and her beliefs on a very unplanned journey-well, not unplanned…a journey I was already on, but this election accelerated it.

For the record, we can mark in stone that I love Jesus. I believe He died and rose again on the third day. I believe in the sovereignty of God.  I believe that His Word is the period at every statement. I believe in the red letters of Christ just as much as I believe the sun sets in the west.  Yet, with all that disclosed, I am changed now….I’m different than just eighteen months ago.  I believe, I am changed for the better, or at least in the process of that direction.  Some, may wonder if I have fallen to the wayside, some may take my journey as an attack on where they are…and I certainly don’t mean for it to ever come off that way…it’s an attack on where I am…where I was for sure.

I’ve identified with the Evangelical label for as long as I can remember.  Maybe I didn’t know what that was back as a young follower of Christ, but I said I was a Southern Baptist, and Evangelical like a badge of honor on my chest.  Almost a “I believe what’s right, you believe what’s wrong” approach.  Then, somewhere along the way, I began to not feel as if I “fit”….questioned my salvation…God assuring me it was secure….so why did it feel so lost in what should feel like home?  I knew I didn’t agree with what was being touted as “feel good theology” so I knew not to go there.  I knew I didn’t agree with the new “prosperity theology”, so I knew it was equally as wrong for me.  I knew I believed fully in the red letters of Christ.  So, I began my journey there….seeking to figure out what that meant for me in a world I had become so comfortable in…my little SBC bubble of life.  That was probably six years ago….maybe seven.  No one knew….not  my spouse or my children. There was a period that I was literally broken in half…and at a crossroads.  Few knew….and few know to this day.

I went to church.  I served.  All the while, questioning why I felt so lost in what should feel like home.  Why I would leave on Sundays angry…I don’t mind leaving convicted, but I shouldn’t leave angry.  Isn’t the point to attend and leave challenged to be working to be more like Christ…to be a witness to a world seeking hope? (Please do not take my comments as not loving my church-I did, I still do.  Some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my entire life. A man in the pulpit that loves Jesus with every cell in his body.  But this blog, it’s about my heart…my journey and the questions it has raised towards myself…towards an entire label.)

Then, we moved.  I was forced to leave my bubble of life….my comfort zone…even when I felt so uncomfortable sometimes, it was familiar…it was safe…it was mine.  I moved to an area where I couldn’t just look up a FBC in the phone book, go sit down and continue.  I moved to an area where my normal didn’t exist.  I moved where Jesus was loved, but church was far different…the pulpit was different…the mission was different and yet the same….everything was different and yet, with Jesus still center…the same.

During this period of adjustment, we landed in three churches before our current landing.  Meeting some amazing people, some of which I call “friend” today.  And like only our God can do, He tossed an election into my lap and said..ok, Kim, what about all of this?  Here I was, already deep into a journey of uncertainty of where I fit….and then He forced me to take in one of the ugliest elections in my lifetime.  One that broke every norm.  During the election, right when it was really starting to become nothing short of horrific to watch, is when we landed at our current church.  It was by chance we landed there at all, but then again, God isn’t into “by chance.”

Christine Caine was coming to speak at a local mega-church.  I am a huge Caine fan.  I had to go.  We “cheated” on our church at the time and went.  And it happened.  My heart, felt at home.  Still not sure what it all meant, but I knew with every ounce of Jesus in me…this was it.  This was what my heart was seeking….missing.  My heart needed Jesus presented with Biblical truth, but with a love everyone, love always heartbeat.  That attitude that before someone can really hear about Jesus, you have to meet them where they are..not where you want them to be.  That inclusion that still holds true to Biblical truth, but with a love that oozes from the pores of those giving out the love. Most of all, my heart wanted a pulpit based on Jesus, but far removed from politics.  My heart was weary…it was tired…and it was growing bitter.  No denomination on the door….just the Gospel of Jesus and the doctrine according to Christ.

Now, let me go back to before…and during all of this…the election came.  What I haven’t brought back up today really is how during all of this…even now…I was/am struggling to my very core about the word Evangelical.  The election just highlighted that struggle in my life.  Things were said and done that were so far removed from what I believe Christ wants in us as people…towards our fellow man, my heart just reeled.  Triggers took place that brought up childhood incidents that I thought were long buried.  Then…in all of it…I saw Christian leaders I admired come to the defense…fall on the sword to defend…for what, to me, only seemed like  man desperate for the power that would come with a result.  So much was the polar opposite of what I had grown to believe over a lifetime as to what Christ expected of us as human beings…what he so called out for.  I grew increasingly confused, increasingly angry…increasingly counting down the days to Sunday morning or Wednesday night where I could be reminded….not all are falling on the sword….not all are telling me it’s my duty as a Christian to fall in line.  I saw people I care about deeply hurt by words so offensive that they had to be “bleeped” on national TV.  I saw entire groups of people called out in such hateful ways that I grew even more angry.  I’m one of the “Evangelicals” people are talking so poorly about…I’m a member of this group that is supporting such hateful words.  How can that be?  I don’t agree with any of these words.  I don’t agree with the agenda of Jesus as a political tool for power.  Maybe, I’m not an Evangelical.  Maybe, I’m not the label.

As I said earlier, I’ve blogged about this before, but today feels different.  Today feels certain.  Today, my heart is not burdened with the label.  Today, because of a church that fed my heart words of truth in hope and love….because of a horribly nasty election, because of a son in the arts, because I never felt my heart fit….I can say with a peace I don’t take the label anymore.  I don’t want it.  I want to love Jesus…and love others.  Please know, this is my journey and is certainly not directed towards anyone but myself.  With that said, I won’t lie.  I don’t get it.  I don’t get why more didn’t speak out in loud voices….why the seat on the Supreme Court was more important than speaking out against the words that hurt so many.  It sent such a mixed and hurtful message to a lost world watching our actions.  We have worked so hard to stand in Biblical truth….then when in front of a world audience…we stood silent.  At least it seemed that way by the words by leaders and people of influence.  I’ll never forget the day women such as Beth Moore spoke out so directly against sexual assault or the words that implied it.  I’ll also never forget when we came out in swarms to eat one of our own, Jen Hatmaker, when she spoke her views.  Those that counsel her spoke to her in private…why did so many of us take to social media to literally eat her alive….and discard all the good she had done for women, lost women…prior to a statement that use the word “Holy” when well..what I think of that is so complex, it’s a blog post on its own (I support and love those I know in that community and that’s all that needs to be said.)…but I’m not going to tar and feather a woman that has been such a light to so many women. No one forces us to buy books or attend conferences with any speaker….show our disagreement by no longer supporting the work…but attacking someone so ferociously on social media was heartbreaking to watch.  I’ll also never forget the words of Christine Caine on our role as Christians towards Syrian refugees.  I will also forever remember being reminded that God puts angels everywhere…and what if He has placed angels among those refugees…and the tears He must shed as we, as a nation. turn them away out of fear. What if God is sending us a nation to show the love of Christ to…and we shut the door from fear? A fear we are told not to hold in our heart. What good is our “pro-life” stance, if we turn away the least of these out of fear, how is one life more valuable than another?  Dr. Russell Moore, James McDonald (post advisory board), Bill Hybels, Steve Carter, so many female authors and speakers….literally I cannot, even now, get enough of their wisdom on Jesus…the Bible, on how to be more red letter….

I’m still angry, but less angry each day.  Those stages of grief seem to apply to almost every facet of change in our lives.  I have to think I’m more to the “sad” stage…..far less questioning of my personal “what label do I want, if any”….and more a question of trying to understand how I got here…and trying to understand where others are in their journey. Sad, because I don’t understand.  I want to….but right now, I don’t.  I sense less anger towards all of it today than even just 24 hours ago…certainly less than three months ago.

I’m processing Romans 15 these days….trying to grasp that when we were told to welcome, embrace…it wasn’t with conditions….it was certain.

I’m thinking of Matthew 5…when Christ gave his Sermon on the Mount.

I’m thinking of how incredibly heartbreaking it is that any life on this earth needs a hashtag to be heard or seen.

I wonder how many fellow “Evangelical” folks are out there that have been on this same journey I have been on….even before the ugliness of 2016.  I’ve seen more women than men based upon folks I follow.  Why is that?

Would I have gotten this far in this journey without the move…without the election?  It’s pointless to even try to say anything but, no.  What idols have I allowed to be covered with the weaponization of Jesus?  Who have I hurt by views formed from life in a bubble?  Non-Christians, fellow believers?  Are my words today possibly words another person can take as hurtful to maybe where they are in their journey?  Please know…this is my journey.  I’ve likely made far too much of it public over the past two years….but I want to be able to go back two years from now and say..ok…progress has been made.

God has blessed my beyond measure with girlfriends who know my heart and my struggles and love me anyways….just as I love them in return…even when we  may be on polar opposite spectrums on so many things.  My tribe has always loved me in spite of me.  Just as Jesus does…in spite of me…He still loves me.

I’m thankful for this season and the conviction and necessity to really work on what Kim stood for..who Kim is as a Christian.  Realizing one walk will never look like another walk.  Realizing it’s ok to question things….ok to step outside your bubble and jump in…to the coldest pool on earth…trusting there is a warm hand waiting.

My son, my gifted musician, has been more of a catalyst than he can ever know.  His circle, his footprint on the world, forced me more than almost anything else before the move to dig deep…question…consider the idea that maybe many of my beliefs/routines were more man made that Christ made.  I’m forever grateful for this influence.

In a way, I am now in the dryer after being in the washing machine for so long…and on high speed for that last several months….hopeful that maybe when I come out…a few less wrinkles in place and a clean heart ready for this new stage.

And for those reading thinking Kim has gone over the edge…nah…..can’t go over what you went over years ago!

 

 

 

 

Tune-Up…Things We Say

It’s so strange that I sit here typing with so much in my head and a clear understanding that I am not remotely qualified to write more than, “My name is Kim.” This silly blog that I started as a way to process life with a chronic disease has become at times, therapeutic.  In a way, a virtual journal that some folks read and occasionally like….but more so an outlet to express a day, a week, a month, a season.  Today, I sit here typing with the question swirling in my little pea size brain of….did I start this for me, for you, because I was led to by God?  Maybe, it’s a combination of the three. (This question likely to never be answered fully.)  The move to Chicagoland has forced me so far out of my little “comfort zone” and into a zone where I am forced to really take stock into things I had just taken from others and applied….people much wiser than me…so surely no need to question, doubt, research….verify.  And yet….that’s what I have found myself doing now for a few months…..what if, as I have said before…this was the entire reason I am here….that it has nothing to do with a job…a city….maybe it was the only way God could finally get my attention.  Maybe He had no choice but to pull me up from my roots….

One thing I have been exploring are things I have heard for so long….assuming they were God’s word…or at least a close interpretation of it.  Phrases we say….without a second thought as to if they really are Biblical…you know…those things “good Christians” say.

I think the first offender has to be “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”  Malarkey.  Yes He will, and yes He does.  What is even the point in turning to God if we can truly handle even the hardest of circumstances on our own?  Isn’t the whole point of us being in this broken world to have us see that our only hope..our only way to navigate is by trusting God…something so much bigger than our tiny little humanness?  Everything is more than we can handle…everything.  It’s only because of Christ that we are able to put one foot in front of the other…..That’s the entire premise of faith.

Isaiah 41:10 (The Message)

 “But you, Israel, are my servant.
    You’re Jacob, my first choice,
    descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
    called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side.
    I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’
Don’t panic. I’m with you.
    There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
    I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

God never says, Oh Jacob….pull up your bootstraps and figure it out.  If we could handle it…why oh why would God have sent Christ to die on that cross at Calvary?  We can’t.  We didn’t. We never will be able to.

This next one has been swirling in my head a lot lately….maybe it’s all the political rhetoric floating around…maybe it’s being more connected to a health community where I know folks that are wonderful, Jesus loving folks…that well…struggle…whether it’s emotionally, physically or financially….struggle is a daily routine.  It’s the phrase, “God helps those who help themselves.” I see that, I hear that and all I can do is sit and go…nope.  That runs against the entire Gospel of Christ….Sally, well Sally is exactly where she is because she can’t help herself….well…what if Sally really can’t?  Sally, through  no fault of her own, has an illness that makes just walking outside her home a nightmare we can’t imagine?  It seems, to me, the attitude of self-reliance and self-righteousness just doesn’t match up with Matthew 16:24. My new thought process on this is God intended us to be a community…so that when one of us is not strong…weak…whatever the issue may be…we come alongside, with Christ as our captain….to hold that person or community up….and sometimes…that’s a very long gig…sometimes it’s not.

Matthew 16:24 (The Message)

 Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?

There are so many more things we say…I’ve said….because well…maybe it’s because I grew up with it and just assumed…maybe it was something I heard in a sermon one day….and I sit here and just type these words going, “Man….some of these things are just hurtful to others.”  I have a feeling this season for me might be a tad long…a season where I have a very long overdue tune-up.  Last night, in a message, the challenge of “Resolve” was issued…so, my “resolve” is that I’m checking my vocabulary…my phrases…and I am going to likely blog as I uncover more of things said…that well…sound all Christian…but aren’t…just man-made gibberish.

As I close for today…I just received a verse via a group text I am part of daily…I close with this:

2 Peter 3:17-18 (The Message)

“But you, friends, are well-warned.  Be on guard lest you lose your footing and get swept off  your feet by these lawless and loose-talking teachers.  Grow in grace and understanding of our Master and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Glory to the Master, now and forever.  Yes!”

I’ll make a point to title these blogs (my chronicle of my tune-up) so if you want to skip…well..it’s easy.  I’ll start with “Tune-Up.”  Kimmielou signing off….up since 5AM…clearly time for more coffee.

PS-Farmers Almanac is predicting a doozy of a winter here….currently looking for anyone that needs a house sitter on a tropical beach from December-March.  (Insert fact…Kim doesn’t like winter…even mild winters.)

Evangelical-4.1

I’ll be honest.  This post has been in the three sentence phase for days.  I suppose one could say the word “Evangelical” was tagged to my name all those years ago when I was thirteen years old.  I was just a kid who had a pastor come share the steps to salvation and I said, sure.  (I can honestly say that I don’t think I had a clue what I had done until about the age of twenty-I can assure  you 17-20 did not show evidence of it.)  Even now, there are days I feel as if it’s all brand new and I’m just seeing things for the first time…maybe that’s a good thing.  I think it is.  That whole, “childlike faith.”  I most certainly don’t feel qualified to preach to another person about my righteousness…if anything I want to tell them about my brokenness, my pitiful attempt to work to be more like Christ each day…and all the days as I crawl into bed and go, “well, that didn’t go so well.”  My take on the whole Gospel, is the later is exactly what Christ intended me to do.  To show all of that and temper it with the hope of Christ and the knowing the tomb is empty, my debt is paid.  That whole, be a decent human being while you are here on Earth-spread the  news and make disciples of men, even if you fall down all the time-your trust is in Jesus and He has covered all of your inequities. (Trust me…that’s a very large blanket in my case!)

ChristToFollow

 

So, I’m at Evangelical-4.1.  This conversation that has played out in my head countless times over the past several months has forced me to just evaluate what that tag to my name really is and is it something I even desire to be tagged with.  (Ok, before you go getting all “oh my goodness, Kim is renouncing Christ”…I’m not, if anything I like to think of it as a reset on what this whole gig of being a Christ Follower is meant to be.)

We will have to get a little political in order for this conversation to make any sense.  Maybe even a little into the pulpit.  Be patient….I promise you will get to read the deepest thoughts of this little girl heart.  (You can skip this part, but I can’t promise the rest will make any sense whatsoever.)

I grew up as a SBC girl (Southern Baptist).  I cannot recall a time where the pulpit didn’t come out and say “Christian, vote this way.”  I grew up with all of the bells and whistles that came with the “Christian Right” movement.  The problem has always been, for me, I didn’t quiet agree with it’s mission. Trust me, if you live in the south….this conflict is a very big deal…or at least it was in my heart.  Just seemed less about Jesus and more about man’s desires. Then, God moved me out of the comforts of my SBC life and into a world where I am tossed into a conglomeration of believers of such varied backgrounds-forced to sit down and go ok..what’s the commonality amongst those in the church (hint-following Jesus, that personal relationship). Tossed into a congregation of folks that well…a lot just don’t look like me at all. Then came 2016.  Then came Evangelical being so much less than what it had meant to me.  Leaders of the faith coming out and saying the moral thing is to vote for an amoral person and stating the other candidate is the Devil.  To me,  Evangelical has seemingly become a political movement-a political agenda.  Now…back to the conversation.

Ok…so now you are at where I was for a while trying to grasp this whole Evangelical thing and if it even stood for where I was with Christ and what I felt Christ wanted from my life.  In our move, I wanted so desperatly to find what I had in church growing up in the south-I have been able to sit in some fabulous churches filled with amazing people.  I was focused on nothing less.  Four churches.  Three of which just missed something and while I wish I could quantify that with a statement of what…I can’t.  All I can say is that God didn’t want me there.  So, we are at church number four and it’s as if the lightbulbs have all gone off and God is saying…”Kim…this is part of the reason you are here.  You need to see through my eyes..not your own…not the world’s.”  “Kim, trust me.”

Kim is now in a large…I mean HUGE church.  Yet, each time I go, it feels smaller than even my smaller churches in my past did.  No, I would guess no one knows I am there right now as we haven’t plugged in yet.  With that said, I know God is there and I’m there and that’s all I need.  Even at the other three churches, except for one sermon at church A, it’s always been about Jesus and his commands, his agenda…never about a human agenda.  What my role is as a Christ Follower…how that is to play out in my life…and what that means to those around me and to those I’ve never met.  God knew I needed this and He sat me right down in the middle of it. All the talk of the southern Bible-Belt and well…Chicago-who knew!.

So, Evangelical-4.1 .  I suppose by now you are wondering what in the world I’m rambling about.  First, did you know in the entire world, only 4.1% of the population is Evangelical?  That means over 95% of folks aren’t.  Evangelicals comprise around 13% of the Christian population.  That means, 87% of Christians aren’t Evangelicals.  The U.S. has the largest population of Evangelicals.  A Pew study shows 28% of the U.S. is Evangelical.  That means 72% of the U.S population is not.  80ish% of the U.S. will identify as a Christian.  31% of the world identifies as Christian.  This all made me just stop and go..ok….80% of the U.S. identifies as Christian but only 28% identify as Evangelical.  Is it that the other groups don’t believe Christ is the Son of God, risen on the third day?  The one true King?  What is “Evangelical” in America?  Is it a “Jesus” movement or a movement with a political agenda?  Are those two mutually exclusive?  Should they be combined?  Biblically, what’s that answer.

Matthew 22:36-40: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

31% of the world identifies as Christian.  Even if you don’t just count those who identify as Evangelical, we are clearly the minority-just as the Bible said we would be. Across the world…Christians are being persecuted. Russia has now outlawed evangelizing outside of church-all of which the Bible foretold.Then you see stories where Nepal has one of the fastest growing Christian populations in the world. Areas of the world where people, like you and me, have taken the part of “Go” and have gone. Not to spread the good news of politics or why this sin or that sin is greater than another…but to spread the good news of Jesus, His hope, His love and His desire for your life.  If you look at US numbers, if 80% identify as Christian, then why all this back and forth over liberal, conservative…when clearly we have more in common with Christ’s calling for us than anything else.  80% of us are on the same page with Christ-shouldn’t that be our focus?.

I’m sure by now some of the readers of this little blog are about to blow a gasket and will certainly send me private messages correcting my thoughts and certainly what’s to follow.  That’s ok.

I ramble on and on with all of this to get to the point of all of this.  I sat last night and just took in the Case for Christ and how His love never fails…How He is always there, He never leaves our side…and just kept thinking…”Man, I wish my friends who for whatever the reason have written off Christ, stopped attending church or my friends who are watching the words that “Christians” are saying that are anything but showing of Christ…I wish they could be here tonight.  I wish they could see what this whole Jesus thing is….and what it’s not.”  And then….with confirmation with that whole peace thing..I realized…this chick is taking off the  American “Evangelical” tag and putting on “Christ Follower.”  Answer, Follow, Go.  Evangelical isn’t a Biblical term..it’s manmade.  Christ Follower….that’s Jesus’ tag for me…and loved…so very loved and forgiven.

Matthew 16:24  Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

I close with this….80% of the US identifies as Christian.  If true, we should all be on the same page…and that’s the page where we are told to answer, follow and go.  I know God has revealed to me that I have fallen way short on the Go part….and that I need to stop and view the world and its events through His eyes and not  my own. Change begins from the bottom up…while looking up.

Oh, I have political views…that’s for certain…and they likely aren’t the views of many of my followers (According to what I am certain is an accurate scientific quiz on Facebook, I don’t)..and that’s ok…because as I said…80% of us are on the same page with Jesus …and that means we all agree that Christ wins…we know the ending of this story….a broken world, with broken people all just working each day to be a little more like Christ and on most days…falling shorter than we had hoped as I crawled out of bed.  Knowing we all get the exact same amount of Christ-all of Him.  He doesn’t hold out pieces….you get all of Him. By grace and not by works.

One note of importance…none of this mitigates the love I have for every church I have attended in my life.  I have been fortunate to be in Bible believing, Bible teaching churches and surrounded by some of the most Godly men and women you could ever ask for.

So, peace out for today….this “Christ Follower” has some work to do!

(PS-I’m quiet certain this post could land me on some prayer lists….I assure you that I love my Jesus just as much today as yesterday, hopefully more and that if my life doesn’t represent what he told his disciples were his two greatest commands…well…I’ve fallen and I need to get back up and try again…and again..and again. )

 

 

 

Let My Heart Speak and Not My Foot

Anyone else about to tie themselves to the nearest tree out of desperation to escape the vial nature of this election season?  Am I the only one that daily seems to say, “I can’t believe someone thought it was ok to say that?”  (This would be a good time to humor me and say, no.) And, is it just me, or has this turned into some odd version of “The Hunger Games” and things that should be offensive to even the most hardened heart flow from the mouths of folks like water down a waterfall?  And when did we lose that “My Grandma Taught Me” mentality about things that we just shouldn’t ever say, just because we chose to be a decent human being?

This past weekend, a verse was brought to my attention in the message at church.  I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind all week.  Wondering, how did we get to this point where the things even “Christians” are saying are so vial that lightening doesn’t come down from the heavens and strike their tongue? Where people actually think it’s acceptable to sit down at the computer and type words that bring such hurt to others?

That verse was Luke 6:45: A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

The part that just keeps resonating in my head and heart is “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”  When someone speaks, we see their heart.  Wow.

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If I apply this to my Facebook feed, my heart is just heavy.  When did it become acceptable to call our fellow Christians words such as, “Stupid”, “Dumb”, “Idiot”….when did it become acceptable to type out racist and bigoted words for the world to see?  Am I to judge those words to be the heart of that person?  When did it become acceptable to tear down one another in anonymity  without any guilt?  Are we really in a game of “survival of the fittest” where the winners are those who succeed to the top by eating their own?

And then I go to Matthew 15:17-18: “Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body?  But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.”

I, personally, have made no attempt to disguise my political choices.  I have, however, made a very conscious attempt to choose my words carefully.  If I choose words that hurt or tear down someone else, then is that my heart?  Is that what someone that doesn’t know me will use to define me?  I should hope that we are all so mindful of what our foot tries to put into our mouth that we stop and do that “heart check.”  Will these words serve a good?  Just because I can say these words, should I?

Sadly, I’ve seen the foot talk instead of the heart even amongst those who have committed to support one another.  It’s human nature, I get it….but if those words will hurt someone…cause someone to stumble…isn’t it better to just choose to not say them and let your heart speak instead of that stinky foot?

Maybe, I am alone in on this thought train.  I just don’t see what good can come out of tearing others down to get to a point in the road.  You get there, sure…but at what cost?

And before you get your panties all tied up thinking that I think I am all that and a bag of chips, I confess that I should likely stop tweeting “someone” is a fraud.  I’ll start that now.

We have a stolen line from a movie we use often in this house….when we see something or hear something that we just want to jump into like a fly into honey…well…we just say, “Smile and Wave boys, Smile and Wave.”

So, may we all smile and wave and speak with our heart and not our foot.

 

Can a Gospel Christian Be Blue?

I was raised in the South.  I’ve lived in Mississippi, the suburbs of Memphis, Texas and Arkansas.

I’ve seen racism first hand.  I’ve seen fear of someone that didn’t look like “White America” first hand.  I’ve seen it all.  I was born in the late sixties….well after the Civil Rights marches…and still…I’ve seen it all. We live in a United States of America where not a single person over the age of 18 should have to “research” a white supremacist group.  We should all be so against the ideology of those groups that we jump to condemn  it.  America, we don’t want to go back to the days of segregation or people singled out due to the color of their skin or religion.  That’s not America.

I’ve seen poverty up close. I’ve seen homeless veterans on the street.  I’ve seen homeless single moms on the street. I’ve been able to see up close those who live in nothing more than a strong cardboard box with a door.  I’ve been a child of poverty and technical homelessness.

I’ve been part of the “poor school.” I’ve been part of the “rich school.”  I’ve been part of heated battles as districts have redrawn lines for attendance, and those arguments almost always are rooted in who parents wanted Joe and Mary to attend school with.  In 2016, we do not have equitable education in America.  I certainly don’t know the solution, but I do know it’s real.

I’ve been a child with no medical insurance.  I’ve been an adult subject to pre-existing clauses…a clause that can jeopardize the life of any American with a pre-existing disease.  Change jobs, no insurance coverage for 6-12 months on that condition.  I can’t agree to go back to that.  A mandate with issues also has some areas that protect our sick, our children, our college children.

I have never lived in a nation where the media was controlled or censored. I heard the threat of that being the case from the leader of the Red. I went back to eight grade Civics where I learned “to silence the media is the first step in silencing us all. ”

I remember the days we said the Pledge of Allegiance in schools.  The days where it seemed all was well in the United States.  We can’t go back.  Frankly, I don’t want to.  I am thrilled to know that we truly are the melting pot of the world.  Whether I like or agree with some of what we have now is irrelevant.  Give us your tired, your weary…..not give us your Baptist, or Methodist or whites.  Unless  you are Native American in heritage, you are a product of immigration.  I’m a product of immigration.  A mut.  I’m not purebred anything.  I’m a mixture of this and that, just like most Americans.

I am a Gospel Christian.  A Southern Baptist by denomination.  I am not like the WBC radicals.  I have to trust that if I can be free to practice my faith and not be associated with the radicals of the WBC, that others who practice a different religion are to be free to do so as well.  I cannot fear what I do not understand.  I cannot judge an entire group of people due to the acts of a radical few.  I would hope the same is said for not judging my faith due to the radical few within the ranks.

I’ve have a vivid memory of the Carter years, the Reagan years, the Clinton years, the Bush 1 and 2 years and now, the Obama years.  I’ve seen our country rise up in times of great trials….and I’ve also seen our country split into little pieces over a determination to “get their way.”  The word compromise has become a four letter word.

I’ve been personally chastised for even possibly considering not voting Republican.  That’s what good Christians do.  Vote Republican.

And. Here I sit today.  In disbelief that what I have been told is the “Christian” party has all but crowned a man that represents none of the values I hold to be true as a Christian.  Seeing remarks such as, “Well, I can’t stand any of his principles, but I’ll vote for him if he is the nominee…I’ll vote my party.”  “We have to take back America.”  From who? From what?  From people that don’t have white skin?  Jesus didn’t have white skin.

I sit here today in disbelief that I’ve seen a quote, “I voted Trump, but I won’t tell my kids.”  I hope there never comes a day that I am embarrassed by who I voted for.

I get people are angry.  It’s ok to be angry, but to vote with that anger.  No.  We have to vote with our values and our principles…or we become just as lost as the lost.  We can’t control who follows us, but if we look around and we are being followed by hate…what does that say about “us” or “I?”  What message are we sending?

So, can a Christian vote blue?  This year, barring a strong third party candidate, I believe it’s possibly the only way I can look into the mirror and have any hope of saying I voted for at least some Christian values and principles. Where “almost right” may have to be enough. The lesser of two evils, so to speak. This past weekend, HRC sounded more Christian than most of the candidates running Red and ten-thousand times more Christian than the Red leader.  I have to vote knowing the protection of the First Amendment is just as important as protecting the Second Amendment.  A silent America is far more devastating to our future generations than gun control.

Years ago there was a movement of WWJD.  WWJD? I can’t begin to know, but I know what he commanded of His followers…..love, spread the good news to the ends of the earth…but the greatest of these commandments was to love.  And that, is what I will do.  I choose love over hate. I choose love over fear.  I choose humanity.  I choose life, not just birth…all of it.

 

 

Surgery Ain’t for Sissies and Christmas Miracles

The title says it all. “Surgery ain’t for sissies.”  Whether going in for a small procedure or a mid-level procedure or one that requires an extended stay in the hospital, surgery knocks the wind out of the sails.  Period.

I have waited to post this update, mostly due to feeling as if someone had taken a four-wheel mud ride inside my throat and airway and wondering if typing any words at all while on Oxycodone was a wise decision.  (Surely, it might have been funny to see what I would have written.)  Tack on a little respiratory infection coming for a visit, and today, well, today is the first day I think I should type any words to be saved for prosperity.  .

Mayo had  me come in a day early for some pre-op testing and consultations.  One of those consultations was with the anesthesia team.  Normally, anesthesia is that person you see the morning of your procedure and briefly as they tell you “night-night” while injecting the “good drugs” into the IV line.  For this anxious girl, this meeting was the one that I was able to ask questions and they were able to make the notes necessary to make everything the day of surgery proceed seemlessly.  To know they were just as concerned about my anesthesia side-effects as I was….well, that’s huge.  Permission to drink clear liquids up to two hours before the procedure, even better.  It’s the little things that make the biggest difference for any patient.  They were very attentive to those details and it has been my experience at Mayo for the most part.  The patient comes first. A script for Ativan to take the night before to calm any nerves and it was time to have that “last meal” and prepare mentally for the next morning.  (Chester’s is still my favorite place to eat in Rochester…yummy!)

5:30 AM check-in.  The process is seamless at Mayo and it was literally minutes until I was back into the room that I would be taken back to after surgery.  Various things going on around me to prepare the nurses, the room and myself for the day.  Getting shorts to wear to surgery-awesomesauce.  Being told that I could go back to the OR with my glasses on and with my earbuds/iPhone for music-can we get an Amen!  Then when it was time to go back to the surgery department-being able to walk like a normal, healthy person.  I can do this!  Pre-op was even more efficient.  I was sitting up in the holding bed-another little touch that can make a huge difference, while nurses went over the various questions and anesthesia started the IV.  During IV prep, another nurse was making impressions of my teeth for a custom guard-yep, I needed that about thirty years ago-teeth and a lifetime of surgery do not go together.  Then the Head/Neck doctor made a stop by and I was quickly taken to the OR suite.  Less than ten minutes later, my awareness of anything going on was gone.  I awoke in recovery and was quickly released back to the floor where I would spend the rest of the day.  Due to how well I had done, I was being released to the hotel the same day!

I do not say this lightly, this was the best surgery experience that I can remember.  From Thursday-release, I cannot think of one thing I would want done differently.  The biggest praise for me is that I did not get sick…not one single time.  I can’t even think of a time I felt queasy.  This is not my normal pattern, so I am so grateful to the team for each process they put in place to limit this side-effect.

Friday evening-Sunday evening was tough.  I slept most of the time and dealt with some details from surgery that I will just leave off the blog.  Monday came and it was time for the post-op visit and hopefully that phrase, “You are free to go.”  The pain was still fairly even from the prior two days and eating was still a challenge as well as drinking, but it was getting a little better each day.  The doctor went over everything that took place in the OR, along with awesome pictures.  Biopsy results from the larynx and tracheal area would be ready by Tuesday at the latest.  Having a PET scan with a SUV value of 14 in the trachea, I knew it could go either way.  The doctor knew it could go either way as well.  He noted that he did not get everything in the trachea due to the large volume and would have me return in January to complete that area as well as see what my body was doing with the scar tissue.  The lung biopsy did not take place due to the bronchial scope being unable to reach any of the sites.  That will be a procedure on its own in January as well.  Just like that, we were on our way back to Wheaton.

I guess we were about two hours into our drive back when the doctor called.  With excitement in his voice, I got the all benign, squamous cell papilloma!  It would be several days later, that I could let that soak in and realize I had a positive PET scan, changes in the area and my biopsies came back benign.  God took care of this for me.  I know that He did.  I’m not in the clear 100% yet, but that phone call was a huge step forward.  There are still some questions about possibly missing the carcinoma at the base in the trachea, but we will cross that bridge in January.

Once home, I was given the gift of blessings by women I have met in our short time at WBC and in small group.  These women have shown me such love and compassion.  A little back track here.  The Bible study date before surgery, these women covered me in prayer like I had never experienced before.  I will never forget their hands, their prayers, their tears as we prayed for peace, healing, protection.  I know with every fiber in me that those prayers were answered.  I am here today looking at systemic therapies that are far less toxic than those I would be facing if these samples had come back carcinoma.  More than that, I walked down that surgery hall with confidence and peace.  My family covered me in prayer, friends from East to West, everyone that had any knowledge took the time to call out to God on my behalf.  For that alone, I am the richest person in the world.

Recovery took a solid three weeks.  I am amazed that I actually used to have surgery as a kid and would eat a hamburger that same day and be back at school usually within 36-48 hours.  Surgery ain’t for sissies, and it’s certainly not for us “At Your Age” gals!

And now, for the Christmas Miracle.

Surgery was performed to create access for instruments for biopsies and debulking.  I was never, not even once, given any hope or indication that I would gain anything back more than possibly a stronger whisper for my voice.  The goal was to simply determine if I had converted to cancer and create access for the instruments that would be used for that purpose.  The only hope was that in this, I would possibly gain some relief from oxygen-deprivation headaches.  Now, imagine my surprise when about four days ago, something louder than a whisper started to come out.  It’s not easy to do, as I have truly forgotten how to speak, but when I concentrate, there’s a voice.  Those who have known me for the majority of my life, well, they are saying it’s the voice I had in high school.  I don’t remember.  My son has no memory of me with any type of voice, and my daughter only has a scant memory of one.  I don’t know how long it will last, or if it will even come back after the next procedure…but for now, when I really try, there’s a voice. I have woken up each of the past few mornings and the first thing I do, well, is I try to speak.  This, based upon all that I have been told by more than one Head/Neck doc, really is my Christmas Miracle.  My vocal cords are so damaged, so stenosed, that a voice shouldn’t be possible.  I am trying so hard not to think about what happens when it leaves….because I cannot explain the elation I have felt being able to order my own meal in a restaurant.  Not having to depend on someone else to speak for me in that setting.  Simply being able to talk on the phone for brief periods of time without getting a headache or the person on the other side hoping they heard me correctly.

I can only give the credit to God today for everything. He lead me to Mayo. He carried me into that surgery suite.  He heard the prayers of dozens on my behalf.  So, for my Christmas miracle, I am grateful.  I think if I can have it long enough for the babies to hear their Mimi, for my Josh to be able to remember his Mom with a voice, and for me to remember not to take something so normal for granted…..then I have had the voice long enough.  I am going to work so incredibly hard to not beg God for more days with a voice, but ask Him to keep me focused and while I do have a voice that I use it to honor what He has done….not anything else.

Many of those who know this story have asked to hear my voice.  I still don’t know if I am going to make a public post with it.  The last thing I want to do is draw attention to me, when folks, anything greater than a whisper is God. Period.  It’s that simple.

So, this is my Christmas Miracle.  Recovery still has a couple areas to work on, but I am well on my way.

“He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted” (Job 5:9)IMG_1753

Fighting With, Instead of Against

“I would rather have a man chasing Jesus, than a house full of stuff.”  War Room, Elizabeth

As very likely, one of the last person’s on the planet to do so, I saw War Room yesterday.  I had heard the hype, but honestly went in expecting what I had seen in other Christian movies as far as how it would be formatted. Yesterday, I realized that  Christian writers are getting bolder, directors more unafraid to appease every audience member….this movie was truth. It reached out and said, “You are going to come into this experience with the characters.”  Each of us, whether we realize it or not, are a character in this movie in our daily lives.  That’s what this movie leaves you with….you will identify with a character and see all of your holes and the thin fibers holding those holes together.  This is irregardless of where you are in your Christian walk.  I don’t see how you can see this movie and leave thinking, “I am all good.  I’m great actually.”

Miss Clara was the character I kept desiring in my own life.  I want a Miss Clara.  She’s that woman bold enough to confront you, bold enough to shake you at your core and humble enough to be transparent with her own life to change yours.  You can’t act the passion she exuded in the scenes where she cried out to God and to Christ to do great things, mighty things….where she gave Him every ounce of praise in her entire body.  The casting of this movie, in her character, got it right.  You believed her.  She was real.

Elizabeth’s character could be any of us.  That mom so caught up in her career, her own wants and ambitions and so full of bitterness and anger towards things, that she misses the entire point of our life.  I think my favorite two scenes with Elizabeth were when she received the text regarding her spouse being seen at dinner with someone other than herself….that moment of brokenness when she literally had no strength left in her and she fell to her knees….that moment each of us have experienced at least once in our lives…that  moment where you can physically feel Christ taking his hands to raise you into this embrace.  That moment that you do not think you will survive, but you do and come out stronger on the other side of the battle.  It’s that moment when you stop fighting against God, and start fighting with God.  For her, it was the moment she realized, as Tony’s wife, she was powerless to change him….and she had to admit and ask for forgiveness for her failures and give her spouse to God…totally let it go.  Not hold on to a single string. Everything-released.  “The world desperately needs grace-grace from each other but ultimately the grace which can only be received from Jesus Christ.” Miss Clara’s words and that simple question she had asked earlier, “Does he not deserve the same grace that Christ has given to you?” Great scene.  Next, it would have to be when Elizabeth saw Danielle’s closet.  That moment that every parent has when we realize our children repeat what we do…in magnified form.  Good or bad….we are their example.  It’s not our talk that they emulate, it’s our actions.  Elizabeth’s heart change towards her family, her husband…and that moment where she tells Satan to get out of her house.  A heart change….and her world changed for the better…even if painful at times.  Learning that her job was simply to pray for her husband…to stop doing God’s job and get out of God’s way so He could do His job.  How many times have I stood in God’s way?  When I did, what was the outcome?  When I moved over, what was the outcome?  If you are like me, when you move over…well, that’s when miracles happen.

Most heartbreaking moment for me was when Danielle told her mom that she thought she just loved her a little.  And then began asking those questions you can’t answer if you are not present….you can be physically there and not be present.  How many of us parents are so busy chasing a dollar, more stuff, more retirement that we miss what matters….the name of a child’s team, their award, their newest skill…..the little things that are the big things?  We call it “taking care of our family’s future” but at what cost?  If we miss the little things….do we even know the big things when they come?  Is that pursuit of career success coming at the expense of the family’s success?  God isn’t going to be handing out any “Top Sales Person” awards in heaven…but He is going to be holding us accountable for our family…what we did with that blessing He gave us.  How we loved.  How we knew Him.  Knowing Him in a real and passionate way, well….seems all our issues start to fall away.  Trusting Him, more than we trust our own control.

I won’t go into Tony, as I don’t want this to be about the faults of a man….but…His brokenness in that moment he realizes he has nothing left but Christ and his family….and that because of Elizabeth’s heart change, their reaction to his failures has been anything but what he expected.  Seeing what he gave up in his pursuit of career goals….greed.  I do not know the heart of any man….but I do know the heart of a woman.  That moment he just broke into Christ’s arms…..”I would rather have a man chasing Jesus…”  I bet if we asked men…they had rather have a woman chasing Jesus too.

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I could go on for days about this movie.  I guess, as  a Christian, it was more than a movie.  It was an instrument used by God to speak to me…and so many others.  I don’t have a War Room…and I honestly don’t know if I could sit in a small closet….but….I will take those notes on the wall to heart.  Specific things.  I will make me a record of “Answered Prayers” to remind me when I feel as if God isn’t hearing me.  I will remember the power of always praying for your spouse.  Not for them to act like you want or not do such and such…but praying for them to be God’s…to be His.  I will begin to ask God for a Miss Clara.  I have never asked, so why would I have a Miss Clara?  I will continue to pray for my kiddos, their spouses, my babies….their safety, their hopes and dreams, their hearts….their love for Jesus.

Points taken from the movie (just a few) that everyone should commit to heart:

  1. Daughters find their value in their Fathers (earthly and Heavenly)-As Tony began to see and invest in his daughter, her confidence increased.
  2. Marriage is based on Christ-not us.  “I am His before I am yours. And because I love Jesus, I’m staying right here.” Elizabeth
  3. “I shouldn’t fight God, because He always wins.” Miss Clara
  4.  “If you want victory, you must first surrender” Miss Clara
  5. “People are always leaving Jesus out of everything and that’s why we are in the mess that we are in.”  Miss Clara
  6. Your spouse is not your enemy.  Don’t make them to be the enemy.  The Devil is the enemy that comes to steal, kill and destroy.
  7. The lingering regret that never leaves when you don’t answer God’s call.
  8. Not once, even if the mud of bitterness, did Elizabeth talk poorly of her spouse to her child.  Not once.

Like so many others, I sit here today with a movie in my head…and Jesus in my heart.  A heart that will strive to be a Miss Clara as it ages and grows.

We, as Christians, get so caught up in the social fights around us…when in the end…if we keep our hearts on Jesus….everything will be ok.  He wins.  The devil knows the end of the story too….Jesus wins.

Beth Moore, Friendship, Woman of God

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This past weekend our church hosted the Beth Moore Simulcast of 2014.  Women from around the world gathered together in different venues, homes, etc as Beth communicated the following truths to each woman in attendance:

  • Blessed is SHE who believed. Luke 1:45
  • You ARE a woman of God.
  • YOU have the greatest story!
  • You are woman enough because of Him!
  • ALL of Heaven rejoices over just one lost woman found!
  • Every woman is well able/equipped to share how Jesus is changing her story!
  • Lesson in friendship

First, let me say that if you are reading “Beth Moore” and going “who is that”, I want to encourage you to do a simple Google You Tube search and just watch some of her clips.  Beth has a God given gift on how to communicate to women in Biblical truth.  She is a true scholar of the Bible, but she is real-you will identify with her as a woman.  She’s just like the woman you would love to have coffee with at Starbucks.

Our church had almost three-hundred women in attendance.  It started at about 8:30 AM on a Saturday and on a Razorback game day, so that attendance folks-well, that’s a God thing!  Women of all ages, all backgrounds gathered to worship and hear Beth communicate the message God had given her for this event.  Across the globe, on that one day, over 190,000 women were listening.

One thing about Beth is this-she is FUNNY!  She can be leading you into a deep passage of scripture and how it applies to your life and then suddenly…it’s a funny story or life event that she had to share at that very moment.  Again-real.

Three sessions, each with a different message but with one overwhelming theme-Blessed is she who believes.

I mostly want to just share with you today some of my notes-my little tidbits from the day.  Every woman there probably has totally different notes-as the message spoke to each of us in a very unique way.

Not part of the message, but one thing that stood out to me that day was her telling us how her foundation they used for the broadcast lighting smelled like dough-nuts.  I now have this compelling desire to figure out the brand just so I can smell for myself…..ok…now back to the meat of the day!

beth moore woman

All across the world, we were ONE gathering of many women yearning for God to speak.

Jesus changes the story of every woman He meets.

God is not only wanting us to hear what He has to say, He wants us to RESPOND!

Sometimes to heal a hurt/broken heart, you have to take off the binding and open it back up. (She used an awesome illustration of wrapping her hand in an ace bandage.)  Ya’ll this is a hard one for me….I don’t know about you, but I don’t like that feeling of your hurt/broken heart being exposed to the air. I want to protect it…BUT…I also heard the TRUTH in her message that I can’t keep it hidden forever.

Jesus so deeply desire to know who I am…NOT who I am not!

Here and now, based upon what I know, start meeting needs!  Don’t keep waiting for some big sign.  Just like Lisa Harper said at WOF, folks, sometimes we have to simply act and not go home and pray about what to do-ACT!

Satan is out there every single day…every moment of the day trying to put tags on us as women.  Other people are in this world doing the same thing, because of Satan.  Oh he is a crafty one.  He knows our weak spots and knows how to rip off that scab and make the wound bleed again.

Your dignity is NOT for ANYONE to take from you!!!!  YOU ARE HIS!!!!!

Sometimes we need a clean sweep to remove the yuck around us so we can see/hear our direction.  (Another great illustration as Beth swept with a broom across the stage.)

A women’s joy is not the same without girlfriends to share it with.  (Ain’t that the truth)  But ya’ll, this is where Beth communicated a truth that WE ALL need to apply and really absorb-We have TONS of contacts, but FEW connections!!!!! OUCH!  So, let’s get this one down now.  Our 1200 Facebook friends or twitter followers are NOT our friends/connections.  It’s the people we make time for-the people we have face to face interaction with.  Those are the ones we must have in our lives as women for joy!  Joy is meant to be shared.  We, as women, are having a hard time connecting the dots between joy and our girlfriend deficit.  We are to make our joy complete-share it!

Ya’ll now this is when Beth started getting to some tough stuff!

  • Can you rejoice with other women when they have gains???
  • You can’t out-love someone’s insecurity.
  • Insecurity pokes a hole in your heart.
  • Competition and Comparison breed insecurity.  We have head this ten thousand times, so why are we as women still doing it!  STOP-Don’t do it!  No more-what if we all said NO MORE!  No more Mommy-competitions.  No more one-upping.  Proverbs 24:17-Do not gloat when your enemies fall.

I have said this before…I could NOT be a young  mom in today’s world.  Social media and the constant barrage of pictures/status updates about my child is better/my party for my child was better/oh look at such and such….I would have walked around with FAILURE across my chest if I had to walk in that muck daily!  Ok…back to topic!

We need to fight for one another-not against one another.

Beth wanted to give us three items to help us identify “bad friendships”…not that these can’t be fixed, just some red flags for us to watch for as women.

  • Exclusivity
  • Possessiveness
  • Jealousy

(Her illustration here was do you have that friend you have to hide your activity with other friends from?  Ya know-keep a picture off of Facebook, go to movies in secret…etc..)

So, let’s add friends, set boundaries, and learn that we can have healthy conflict if we have healthy resolve!

At the end of the day, it was still about turning to Jesus for our hope, our joy, our identity.  Some days, we will simply take a step and breathe….but we are working towards progress.  Stop the Mommy competition, stop the Woman Wars….gather in unity and say no more-I am a woman of God!

2014 Final Commissioning:

My Beloved Sister,
Jesus drew you to this day
To call you to respond.
What will you do
With what He has said?
God chose you and gifted you
For this very generation.
You are the exact woman
Jesus came looking for today.
Stop telling yourself
This is about someone else
You are the one He wants.
You’re not too young.
You’re not too old.
You haven’t strayed too far
Or waited too long.
Let Jesus step fully into your story
And write a narrative for your life
That does the world good
And gives God glory.
People out there need what you have to offer.
Quit listening to your fears and insecurities.
Stand up and step out and meet some needs.
You are my sister.
I’ll cheer you on.
I will support you and love you
I’ll stop competing and comparing.
I want to be a woman women can trust.
Let’s do this thing side by side.
We’re so much stronger together.
Sister, stay in His Word
Fight for love and keep your faith.
Follow hard after Jesus
All the rest of your days.
He will never do you wrong.
He will never reject or betray you.
He will make something beautiful
Out of all your pain.
In every loss
He will be your gain.
A lost world is waiting out there.
The darkness is aching for light.
Get out there and serve with all your might.
Because, my beloved sister.
You
Are
A woman
Of God.
Go show somebody what she looks like.

So, let’s be better women….we ARE all WOMEN of GOD!

Kim