Fifteen days and counting….

“What you fear is what you must conquer.”  Akita

What I fear, is what I must conquer.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

In my fear, I am not alone.

 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

I my fear, I will not grow weary.  I will soar.

Today, I have been able to just stop from a whirlwind of this and that and let reality of fifteen days and counting sink in.  In fifteen days, I will go into the Mayo hospital and have general surgery to address several issues.  Issues that I have known about and ignored, issues that I have learned about and addressed, and issues that are yet to be fully known.  It’s surgery number 250+….I don’t even know at this season what that real number is past the baseline.  It’s no longer that drill of “routine surgery for RRP”….I passed that street years ago.  I’m on the cusp of forty-nine years of life and I am admitting my fear.  Fifteen days and counting….and then three days until we know if I am in the 1%.

I fear anesthesia.

I fear rare complications. (Once you have had one happen, it forever alters your approach and confidence.)

I fear the plan not working as hoped while in the OR.

I fear recovery-knowing what it will feel like when I do wake up and the side effects I have from anesthesia.

I fear knowing that my Leebo is sitting on the other side.

I fear not making it to 50, 55, 60.

I fear hearing that it has converted.

I fear the unknown.

I fear the known.

So, in my fear, I am going over and over my messages at the top of this posting.

I miss the days where I didn’t know…….the days I just viewed it as another “routine” event.  My anatomy, disease progression and complications robbed me of “routine.”  CT scans and PET scans have removed the word “routine” from any part of the process. So, today, I am fearful.  Thankful that my God knows that and is walking hand in hand with me….giving me strength has mine fails.

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