An Update to the Truman Show and Angry Dense Breasts

I’ve left the story hanging….ya know..the story with the girls and all.

I did it.  I did the dumbest thing, probably in the history of womanhood.  I agreed to three biopsies at the same appointment time…on the same girl.  It sounded so efficient when the doctor mentioned it.  I envisioned just one “bee-sting” and one “Mammotone” being used…and magically three different spots would all be ready for the slides.  Someone should have slapped me.  No, really, someone should have slapped me and woken me up from my medical “stupidity.”

Rewind to last Tuesday.  I am standing at the office door fixing to walk in, when the ultrasound tech walks in the main entrance and sees me and comes up and gives me the biggest hug.  (Clue number one. Kim…this is not a good idea.)  I am called back and I am talking, laughing about my “busy girls” etc….an order had been placed to scan the “other girl”, so we went through that and then it was time to let the doc know..”game on.”

So, the tech goes to the very angry girl that has been showing some serious “I want attention” issues…and I’m scanned and the three areas are marked.  Next up came the cleansing of the areas with alcohol….NOTE TO EVERY WOMAN IN THE UNIVERSE:  DO NOT SHAVE THE DAY OF A BIOPSY!!!  Y’all, alcohol and freshly shaved underarms do not mix.  I’m then draped and she leaves to grab doctor and have him review the right scan.  While she was gone, I may  have fanned, scratched…used any means necessary to stop the stinging party happening where I had shaved.  I was caught in the act as they entered the room…..more alcohol…I had contaminated the site.  (Well…then you shouldn’t have left me alone!) This is where my morning gets ugly and “Kim, you are really dumb” is going through my head over and over.

(Right scan, stable, rescan at six months.)  So, the doctor sits down and uses the probe to scan for the first area.  “This will sting.”  OH MY WORD.  I’ve had biopsies before, but I am instantly in the mindset of what can I do to get this called off for the day….fake a Menieres episode, claim amnesia, say my pet “Dust Bunny” just died…and then I hear the words I had never heard…”This breast is so dense that the medicine just won’t disperse like a normal breast.  It will take more medicine and you will still feel a lot of pressure as this site is close to the chest wall.”  Umm…hello…disclaimer a TAD late don’t ya think?  So, more stings.  This is where in Kim’s mind all that medicine would magically numb the entire girl.  Ya know, that all the bee stings would be over.  Numbed as best as can be, out comes the sampling gun.  One, two, three, four, five.  Each one seemingly bouncing off my chest wall.  Area one is complete. Two more to go. I can do this.

I’ve heard some women, crazy women, actually watch the ultrasound screen as the procedures are done.  I’m sane, so I simply keep my eyes closed.  Time for round two.  This one was just 2mm away from what is the most sensitive area for the girls.  Bee sting….yes, that’s me on the roof from what has to be literally the worst pain from a numbing injection ever.  More medicine.  Then the first attempt.  I thought I was going to scream.  More medicine.  Aspiration attempt.  By this point, I am literally crying and squeezing the life out of the hand of the ultrasound tech.  Failed aspiration attempt.  Here comes the gun again. One, two, three, four five.  Each one with the pressure of a thousand men pressing against a brick wall…ok, maybe a tad dramatic, but when you are laying on a table, with the girls laid out for all to see…you get to be dramatic.  Done.  I’m not sure who needed the time-out worse, me or the doctor.  Five minute time-out.  It’s here I am clearly trying to tattoo “stupid” across my forehead and contemplating just calling it quits for the day…but we still  had the area to go that was the one everyone didn’t like at all.  Getting me back on that table if I left..well…let’s just say some serious bribes would have been needed.

The tech encourages me with the news that this portion of my girl is far less dense.  It should be much easier.  Ok..I can do this.  And the bee sting came again, then the five pops…and done.  Doctor and tech trade places…she applying pressure to all the areas to stop the bleeding.  I’m just quiet.  Exhausted.  Steri-strips in place.  Taped.  Time for the lovely post-biopsy mammogram to ensure placement of all the clips.  All there.   Time to get dressed.  In walks a nurse to help wrap me with a pressure wrap and instruct me for healing process.  Still, Kim is quiet.  So exhausted.  I walk out to a very bored Lee.  So thankful that I asked him to come.  No way this chick was driving.

First stop-Walgreens for liquid Tylenol.  I am already wanting to just curl up and pretend this day didn’t exist.  That spot so close to the sensitive area…not happy with me at all.  The girl is angry and she is letting me know.  She wanted attention…apparently not all this.  I told her that next time, when scanned, wear camo.  She laughed by giving me a very nice camo-like bruise for the next week.  Back to the ride home…y’all, Lee tried two tried and true efforts to cheer me up-“Do  you want a Peet’s Black Tie?”  No.  “Do you want Portillo’s?” No.  I’m sure he was wondering if I was about to die….my two favorites and I said no.  The rest of the day was spent in and out of sleep.

Efficiency is over-rated when it comes to medical procedures.  That or I missed an opportunity to use IV conscious sedation!

Fast forward three days.  Girl is still angry and still angry even as I type this.  Back to three days.  Spot two-all clear, well as clear as they will give you on very dense breast.  Spots 1/3. Well, that call was “it’s benign, but a high risk lesion, so both will need to come out for a full biopsy.”  Whatever complex sclerosing lesions are, I am not a fan.  I mean, seriously, pick one or the other…..either be clear or not clear.  Don’t sit on the fence unsure as to what you want to be!  Pick one!  So, the Truman Show continues….date with the Girl Surgeon today and on September 14th.

Post Truman show…confident I will be shopping in the little girls section.  Or, maybe I can see if as they take out stuff, they have to put stuff back in.  Surely that exists.

So, as my hilarious journey continues and I continue to look around for cameras, once again…..get the girls checked, know thy density and know that mammograms miss up to 75% of all things on high density breasts.  If you are dense, ask for a secondary method of screening.

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